sometimesImakewishestoRainbows

2010-11-26T03:07:00.001-08:00

I miss
Being deeply in love. :(

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-10-27T01:01:00.000-07:00

2010 has definitely been the most sour for me.

im turning 21 this year, officially still 20.

i've learned alot of things during my years.

one thing for sure, i fall alot.

i get hurt bruised, pain. and especially this year.

i've lost a tube of my organ.

i don't know if it was worth it.

i'm still trying to find my happiness, someone who could make me feel special and happy.

yes, i know i do have a family, but me and them we're just different,

they see me as a baby girl.

but actually im more to that, and everytime I try to be the person that i am towards them,

it just turns, otherwise.

up till now im trying to understand.

i have been always crying, angry, feel like the whole world just shut me up.

u know.

this isn't healthy for me, its like a routine where i get every week.

sometimes everyday.

i just wanna be happy, like i wanna stop crying, suffering, being angry.

i miss smiling all the time.

i look back and start questioning myself, what happen to me?

i was usually the bubbly one, the funny one.

but i became the opposite, i became the odd one.

i need help. i need cure.

im so tired of the pain im too used to.

its like a growth that won't stop growing.

someone bring back my smiles, will you?

thats all i ask for.

i miss being able to do anything without doubts,

like sleeping, having my time, anything.

i miss being so carefree.

but now all i am is just a old wreck dusty torn lonely rag.

i wanna start smiling again.

please. =(

2010-10-05T20:40:00.000-07:00

Hey. Sorry for my late reply. I was having supper. I wish you could keep what i type but under current circumstances i know you can't. But its alright. Cause it doesn't matter. What matters is we both realise and know where our sources for happiness comes from. My only wish is that i hope neither of us will give it a blind eye for neglect. My ever dearest irna, you have always been the one i truly want. Despite sour happenings and unpleasant memories, you're the only one i've always yearned for and being with you alone could easily erase those unwanted past. All these while i have always missed you. If you're ever to return, come back with a pure clean heart okay. I miss that old you. I miss those old times. And if you're telling me we can't get that back, well im gonna prove to you that love is timeless. And after all that has happened, after all these years, i've never been more proud to declare that i am still in love with you. And will always be. I love you. Mwaaahs. <3

2010-08-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

wish things didn't happen way too fast sometimes.

haiya. sigh. sigh.

im tired of making mistakes, can i have perfect now?

i hate regretting every single step i make sometimes now,

can i have a machine that won't make me regret anything anymore?

oh sigh-ness..

what to do? go on aja lah. haiyerr!

fml.

2010-08-06T13:26:00.000-07:00

i do random updates.

those times where I really feel like blogging.

so i was daydreaming, and I came across this thing in my head.

what shall I do for my 21st bday?

Options are?:

1. Get very high and wasted.

2. Go somewhere I've always wanted.

3. Celebrate with friends and have a dinner/bbq.

4. Let bf do the planning.

5. Buy something really expensive/what Ive been wanting for myself.

ok, I'm out of ideas currently.

well obviously I want something out from the ordinary.

its like my one and only 21st bday.

hahaa. fuck shit I feel fucking old.

ugh. Ideas anyone? fb me. hahaha

but whatever it is, I DON'T WANNA BE SINGLE FOR MY 21ST.

i know i won't.

insyallah.

this question pooped outta my head while I was logging out.

sanggup patah balik. lol.

what are my goals for 2011?

i know its wayy too early,

ah! but what the heck.

Options are?:

1. Quit my bad habits, smoking, clubbing, drinking, drugging, lying, lazying.

2. I don't wanna change any bf anymore.

3. Improve in my creativity/imagination in fashion design.

4. Bolder/Wiser to myself.

5. Avoid conspiracies/complications.

6. Save money I hate being BOROS.

7. Do REALLLY well in Lasalle.

8. To have ori's with my keyboard/violin/synth.

9. Keep up my ok weight.

wah. so much to achieve.

i need to continue believing to get it eh?

insyallah again.

i wanna change for the better so i can have the best of both worlds.

i had my time as a teenager, so now i shall keep up with my current age.

haha.

okla, im tired of blogging wanna tuck in now.

goodnight readers.

2010-06-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

i miss u.

haha, diam uh.

=']

2010-06-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

i am on the phone with love,

asking him random questions haha!

so I've decided to blog..

HERE GOES...

as told by Mahfuz.

Love is,

.dancing off to trance

.sexy

.stupid

.butterflies in your tummy

.addictive

as told by Irna

Love is,

.crazy

.sugar rush like redbull

.drug

.pain in the ass

.beautiful

if you are a cartoon character what you wanna be?

Mahfuz,

patrick from spongbob la,

that explains the voice! LOLS!

Irna,

Cartman please,

i like the annoyance, is bliss.!

by the count of 3, the first words in your mouth..

1, 2, 3...

Irna,

fuck.

Mahfuz,

lapar.

when you step foot out from the house what's the 1st thing hits your mind?

Mahfuz,

nairi nak makan ape?..

Irna,

nak naik bus ke taxi.. haha

when horny what's the 3 things that goes thru your mind.

Mahfuz,

.should I watch porn

.should I go raping any jogger.

.i wish jessica alba is naked in front of me now.

Irna,

.m***sex.com

.i wanna get high.

.fantasies on a great night.

ok done. ! =>

2010-06-10T11:39:00.000-07:00

hi mahfuz..

ILOVEU...♥

so we have decided to have a new name now..

Mahfuzzo Diddo Ru'fieo

Irna Dayana Ru'fieo

cus, we ♥ Rufio.

Yey, please be happy for me people.

I wanna stop every nonsense around, that happened before.

with him around and things we shared.

I wanna try and settle down too, its what both been wanting for.

I hope everything will be perfect insya'llah.

I apologize to whatever Happened, maybe its meant to be,

the reason why it didn't happen otherwise.

Thank You for EVERYTHING.

Don't worry, he will take care of me now. =')

You know what's the best part?

HE LOVES ME for WHO I am. =]

I'm not changing anything at ALL.

GOSH I ♥ MY EYE-CANDY!

2010-06-04T02:38:00.000-07:00

='(

2010-06-03T02:02:00.000-07:00

da? tu je?

haha.

so what, now u and your past ungkit lagi ah.

your past perfect mah. kau kan preacher.

haha.

i know everything about you and how you play your game la.

nah, i know you're trying so hard to save your face.

eh? please i'm not some girl who after you ditch and you get your name back.

fuck off.

soooo NOT! sorry sikit.

neither I play revenge, I'm just expressing out in my blog here.

you read you feel you whatever your problem.

oh and about her? so what ya, I got back friends with her.

and you know what?

to dig out every shit that you did.

ouh wells, i'll put it easier for you eh.

everyone talks shits, even you.

i made my "peace" with her.

hmm.. i realized, that you the "PEACEGUY"

i wonder where's yours, instead you're making war war war.

very very contradicting.

good good, keep it up.

oh ya, tak payah nak main this spy2 game with me.

don't step, "die tu dua muka jugak"

what about yourself?

stop saying reflect, what about urself??

everyone thought you are so nice, blah blah blah.

but shit, they don't know anything about your fucking dirty mouth.

fuck off la.

im not afraid of you, and yes I am your worst reality nightmare.

Welcome.

oh ! your junk? what about mine?

took all the good ones and skip the cb ones to me?

haha. _l_

never thought we would become real enemies sia.

but good la. haha.

you started it, i'm just playing my part.

2010-05-31T12:09:00.000-07:00

like every of your ex, is suddenly two-faced.

like everyone that you don't like is liar.

like the person you used to embrace is a loser.

like the person you used to care is an asshole.

I am not surprise if the next one would have the same fate

later on, cause you know it has been going in a circle.

haha.

you know whats the problem, you need a mirror.

maybe those IKEA ones, long,wide and cheap.

you should look yourself into it.

and maybe look back at everything and start realizing that,

THE MAIN PROBLEM IS U.

and its you that have been the shit of the drain.

isn't it gamed already?

why are you still trying to influence people to hate me?

if I am THAT bad, let these people experience it themselves la.

why? are you afraid of a little competition?

you know, the funny thing is,

People approach to me more than I need to go around and approach them.

Unlike you, You approach to people.

haha.

I mean, look I have not found a replacement.

You're the asswipe who tryina prove everything but in the end,

you're the same asswipe whose doing everything that you're ain't proving.

betol tak Sofie?

Get to the fucking point and move on.

wait, I thought you already did?

so.. Stop lingering around bitch.

You suck balls dude. _l_ _l_

(and you know what I am so not surprised that you're still reading my blog and fb posts.

haha.)

2010-05-28T13:08:00.000-07:00

that ordinary adam.

you told me things that runs and stays in my head.

those fb inbox.

the one who pretends to hide in the bushes.

the one gave really true advices.

the one who kinda broke the record of most things.

the one who steals me in every way.

I am not hoping or exchanging anything.

that sugar rush.

but some wishes do come true.

come and see rainbows with me and I'll be the "fairest maiden of all".

my ordinary boy?

2010-05-27T05:00:00.000-07:00

the fb surprise. wah.=)

thanks very much.

it was old but it still runs around inside my head. =)

2010-05-24T22:05:00.000-07:00

it takes one bad apple to ruin everything.

applauded. that was a nice show you made.

it is getting better with more characters taking part now.

fhew! luckily my role has ended.

it would take time for you to somehow realize,

that you have lost so many good actresses.

it hurts, but this wound will heal.

its funny on how fagot you can be.

You don't know what I am capable of,

nah, I am not gonna waste my time haunting you down.

I am just gonna sit back and you know, ENJOY THE SHOW.

haha.

when the time has come, I would personally congratulate you.

go on, continue la.

you should be a Director in love stories, but with a slight difference.

instead of directing Hero, you would be casting the Fag, or should I say,

heart-breaker, cheater, timer, bastard, ass-wipe, liar, etc.

haha.

m'fucker.

2010-05-22T19:44:00.001-07:00

I'm starting to see rainbows again.

Yey!

2010-05-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

u hid things from me.

maybe it has been like that for awhile.

just that i am not as "paranoid" or as "crazy" as u.

I am the kind who would use the trust truly.

after putting things in perspective,

I realized, you're the bitch after all.

despite in everything I went thru.

everything I tried to,

I did regret everything about you.

I thought it was really special.

You are just the same like everyone else.

I was goddamn fooled, buto ah.

Wish u didn't ever exist.

I will never ever forgive you.

EVER. I swear.

on the other hand,

I am happy that god told me what to do.

alhamdulilah.

he heard me.

my prayers was answered. =)

even if I'm heartbroken,

its good to know that it wasn't me.

it feels so bad but it feels better.

thanks for everything dear god.

2010-05-22T06:49:00.000-07:00

its like a bruise, that won't heal.

its like a hole, that won't cover.

its like a scar, that keeps on scarring.

its like my eyes, has all the feelings I wish I could express.

its like a thousand words said, without even saying anything.

its like I can never smile like how I used to.

its like I can never forgive, everything.

its like a truth I can never lie.

its like I am always lonely, even if I am not.

its like someone ripped off my heart and broke it into a million pieces.

2010-05-20T16:25:00.000-07:00

oh shit, i need to go to the hosp.

i might need an operation for my toe,

it stopped functioning.

i didn't know getting a toe stuck under a door could be this bad...

what do you think I should do?

should I follow my heart it may be a little flaky,

but he is someone special, and he is not a bad guy.

At some point I have to decide what role he plays in my life

And just because he wasn't that reliable in the past,

that doesn't mean he is going to be that way. right?

I mean, people change.

well sometimes they don't too.

Its nice to see people in love, not just any love.

those everlasting ones, like our parents has.

I wish I was in one, not just any love too.

I want that particular one that

I've been going through fire, earth, wind, and water for.

It could be forever forgotten or it could be forever here.

those 3 words just won't be the same without that you in.

Hello Stranger,

you came just in time.

I look for your face in the crowd,

or in line.

Hello Stranger,

not-a moment too soon.

See that old picture is fading down at the drawer of my room.

Not twice have gone lost,

distance have come lose.

There were accidents involving stitches, split juice.

Depression were torn and one time we got sick.

But it's nothing I couldn't catch you up on real quick.

Hello Stranger

I saved you a place.

And its seems strange now that I've stopped seeing your face.

2010-05-19T04:35:00.000-07:00

you can be mad at me and I don't blame you.

I can't say I wouldn't be the same if I were you.

but try to understand that sometimes in life.

you realize you made a wrong decision and you try to undo them.

I doubt theres nothing I could do to make it up to you.

but if there was I do it with a second.

sometimes we want somethings so bad we'd practically write down a script

on how it'd should go, even if we know better.

there's no such thing as a perfect love, or anything perfect.

there's always lumps, but why the lumps have to be bad?

maybe instead of trying so hard to create the ideal love,

or what-so-ever.

we should embrace the not-so-perfect.

cause,

sometimes its the imperfections is that made the love/anything seem really cherished.

2010-05-17T21:35:00.001-07:00

Some say she wished too hard.

Some say she wished too long.

It's kind of sad,
Guess I'm the sort who'll linger
When the credits roll
I still can't leave a picture
The picture I hold
In my heart
It makes me mad,
Wish I could blame a twister
Or a hurricane,
Or my pesky sister
Wish I could blame away this feeling.

Does absence really make the heart grows fonder?

Have you ever felt like you're cheating someone but with a daydream?

Maybe it takes something you use to want in your past to clean up

the goodness of what you have.

Maybe we get bored with stuff because we put so much importance to things

that are new.

And as soon as the norms wears off we forget what we like about it in the first place.

Nothing can ever stay the same so why do we expect it too?

Instead we should just enjoy it for what it is, without ever taking it for granted.

I couldn't accept the fact us we're over, don't do this.

but if we don't we would be miserable, both of us will.

its not who we are, but who am i?

We fight all the time, and things without each other are easier.

Sorry. I hope that one day both of us will forgive each other for this.

but I won't, the thing is I'll never will.

expect bitterness, resentments, gradual acceptance, and then hopefully you and i will move on.

thou right now there's nothing we can do, but you'll just need to give us the time to adjust.

eventually it'll be okay even if we don't look okay.

heartaches its always the worst.

the one good thing about having a sensitive experience is,

it really puts things in perspective for you, suddenly the whole

leaving and coming back thing doesn't seem like such a big thing anymore.

well actually not really.

I should be counting my blessings that I'd still have people that cares about me.

but honestly you're the only thing that I can ever think of.

and the worst part is, there's no one I could talk to about any of this,

besides you, you were my best friend.

Is it possible that you have stop caring about me?

In spite that everything that happened between us is finished, thou it just doesn't have an ending.

take care.

=''(

2010-05-16T12:28:00.000-07:00

i fractured my toe. =(

i have been limping.

i was trying to find a keyboard for a jammer.

apparently my toe got stuck in between room 2 door.

oh, at least he got his keyboard.

hopefully i'll get my things soon.

as i don't want it to become redundantly unappreciated things

so i'll rather have it back.

maybe tomorrow.

don't be that somebody if you don't want to.

if you don't learn how to accept yourself now,

you may never learn how to accept yourself at all.

being with you i feel like im being rushed,

being rushed into something that i don't want to be,

being rushed into something that i was never were.

besides the fact that so many changes i am going through.

being 21, my sister getting married, getting a diploma in fashion, single and stuck.

its funny i'd always thought that i couldn't wait to grow up,

turns out i can't.

i need to start having some positive thinking in order to move mountains,

just by keeping optimistic.

don't worry about me i'll just worry about myself.

a girl is not a women until she has lost what she holds to yearn

even if i find that's sentiment incredibly depressing.

maybe change is a good thing into conquering our fears.

i am tired of fighting the inevitable, the winds are blowing all of us in different directions,

and theres nothing i can do to that roll with it,

everyone besides me is seems to be handling the changes just fine,

so i guess its my problem.

oh well, our universe is expanding right, so lets just embrace it.

i'm not excited about moving on, maybe because it involves letting go

and i'm all about holding on.

my dad use to tell me, "the tighter you hold on to something,

especially something that needs change and growth

the more greater chance you stand at losing it,

but if you let it go, let it fly at the time that it most

desperately needs to well theres a good chance that it may come back to you."

maybe life its like a cross-country road trip you

can get so focused on the enormity of the mission

head steering straight at the expensive road as you

fail to notice the stuff that you're passing by right at that moment.

there's a big difference between the things we want and the things we wish for,

the things we want are usually pretty superficial,

but when we dare to make a wish its usually for something more important

and sometimes more elusive; the kind of thing that you can't really control but,

you hope will come true like, holding on to something you've yearned forever.

but i wanna make a difference let it be this moment,

poised to spread my wings and take flight.

it brings me to tears to flip back through my memory lane, i'm sure everyone does

whether in good or bad.

but make believe now, that someday being the change and going through it is the only way to brighter things in future.

i am not sure about yours, but mine has just begun.

i'll fly.

thank you for being apart of my life. =')

2010-05-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

its annoying that you are trying to follow my steps,

that you DON'T usually take.

so why?

wait, i shouldn't be bothered it wasn't a waste of time,

but now, it is.

madly to get you off my life.

haha. -_-

bottom line is...

stop putting my pussy in the pedestal.

2010-05-14T16:46:00.001-07:00

i am coming out from my hole that i dug myself into.

thou, i still love the same things.

just that i am better being here.

i have a new companion.

he is Babbitty, a one-year old netherland dwarf rabbit.

i just adopted him straight from Spca. =)